A little over 6 months ago, I became a father for the first time to my amazing baby boy James which has been an great experience. I also recently found out that a close friend of mine is also going to be a father for the first time early next year. I’m sure I’ll be having a talk with him and passing on some advice before then, so I started thinking about all the knowledge that I can pass onto not just him but any expected first time fathers out there.
During the pregnancy
Enjoy your time alone as a couple before the baby is born
Probably the most important advice I can give new parents is to enjoy each other’s company as much as possible before the baby arrives. Sure there will be times when you can leave your child with the grandparents or a babysitter while you both enjoy a night out, but it’s not the same as being able to do what you want, when you want to.
My wife Rachel and I used to go to the cinemas a lot, probably once every week or two. Now that little James is around it’s just not practical to do that anymore. In fact, we have only been to one movie since he was born. This is because a movie is a spur of the moment thing for us, but now we have to plan ahead to ensure James is taken care of.
Take advantage of late night cravings by developing your own
OK this is more an example of gluttony than advice. But if your going to head out in the early hours of the morning to get some soft serve you might as well get something for yourself :D
Do your best to keep your partner relaxed and at ease
In addition to making sure she is as physically comfortable as possible during the pregnancy, you must make sure your partner is coping mentally as well. Pregnancy is risky, and as such there may be scares and/or complications along the way.
There will probably be a mass of advice from doctors, nurses, family and friends. While they mean well, the information can be overwhelming to her and make her feel anxious. Do what you can to make her relax about it all: let her know she's doing great and that you are there for her, give her a massage etc.
If you do happen to encounter any complications, remember the following:
- There’s nothing you can do to change what will happen, good or bad. Try not to overstress about a situation you can’t control.
- If the unfortunate where to happen and you do lose the baby, do not blame yourself or put yourself down because of it. I have known women who have gone through this pain, and it’s more common than you probably think. It is not a reflection of your abilities as a parent.
During the birth
Know your role and shut your mouth
Keeping communication during the pregnancy is important, but if you value your personal health you will keep your trap closed, unless asked, during the birth. She will be going through more pain than you can imagine and her emotions will be going crazy, consistently asking her if she needs anything or is she’s ok will likely result in a injury Bobbitt-esque in nature!
Shut your mouth also applies to food and drink. Her senses will be heightened, especially smell. In essence, don’t get her a reason to give you a castration right there.
Take any advice that the nurse/doctor may give you during birth
Staff working at birthing hospitals handle it everyday. If they give you any advice in regards to a position to hold your partner in or a place to put your hands to relieve her pain, then take note and try it.
Remember though, your partner will let you know if you’re helping or not. If she tells you to stop, then listen.
Don’t take anything your partner says during the birth personally
Even if you’re doing everything right and your partner still snaps at you, just remember she’s going through the equivalent of passing a whole watermelon. You would be pissed off too if you were in that much pain.
The first few months with the newborn
Invest in a breastfeeding pillow
Even if your partner doesn't intend to breastfeed, these pillows are designed to reduce arm fatigue and help keep the baby in the perfect feeding position. They are expensive, but worth every cent.
Buy an automated baby swing
Baby’s loved to be rocked to sleep, but if they are particularly restless you could be rocking them for a long time. A battery-powered baby swing is probably the best money I have spent that has made our lives easier. Most of them will be portable so you can take it with you when you visit people, and some will playback calming music to help the child sleep.
Get the child used to people and noise
This doesn’t mean drown the house out with music 24/7 but simply speak at your normal level and get them used to hanging around lots of people. Not having to tiptoe your way around your own house while they are sleeping helps you relax more when they’re down.
No matter how exhausted you are, she’s doing it tougher
Looking after a child is a mentally, and sometimes physically, exhausting job. You can’t relax cause you are constantly listening out for them or feeding, burping, changing them. And then you get them to sleep, but you’re always aware of them and listening out for them just in case they have woken up.
Unless you are a stay-at-home dad, work becomes a break from the responsibility. Mums never break from it.
REMEMBER YOUR WIFE!
Why did I put this one in caps? Well it is very easy for couples to put all their focus on the new baby, forget about the relationship and just assume you’re on the same page.
It doesn’t take a lot, just remind her that you love her. Sit down for dinner together instead of in front of the TV, talk about things. There’s no need for a big gesture, the little things make all the difference.
There’s probably more advice that I have forgotten at the moment. The only other thing to tell you at this point is to enjoy every moment. Some of my favourite times have been on weekend mornings, even when I was tired, waking up to feed James and letting Rachel have a sleep in. A little time to yourself with your child is always nice.