I don't really celebrate birthdays.

I believe a lot of that comes down to spending most of my late teens and early twenties being very depressed. My naturally negative mindset would lead my self worth down some dark paths before I developed some methods to address it.

As a result birthdays were often a day of internal torment; a day meant to celebrate but often felt like there was nothing to celebrate. This of course would move me into a deeper depressive state, leading me to try many things to avoid referencing the day at all. Thankfully nothing super negative but I would often take the day to turn off my phone and drive south of the state where I didn't know anyone personally to avoid any reference to my birthday at all.

To this day despite my life and mindset being significantly better (although the mind isn't fully addressed), the initial response to my birthday is one of dread. I often do my best to not remember it at all and find that I currently just tolerate it because celebrating my birthday brings joy to my wife and kids.

I'm quickly realising that there are still some unresolved negative traits in my mindset, ingrained from years of depression that I haven't moved forward from.

Any sort of self-praise in my mind is associated with an inflated sense of self-worth. As a result I'm terrible at any sort of acknowledgment of the work I do; whether its self-acknowledgement in performance reviews or feeling extremely awkward, almost to the point of embarrassment, when others call it out for me. "Isn't that what you pay me to do?" is always my first and most prominent feeling; not really accepting of any good work I've done.

Combined with a leaning towards introversion and high social anxiety levels, any form of networking on a personal or professional level has been a dead end. With the exception of being around the handful of my closet family and best friends; I'm never at ease or comfortable with myself. It's exhausting and often leads me to just wanting to be home where I feel comfortable and safe.

I feel sorry for my poor wife, who is at times the polar opposite of me socially. She's the only reason I got to my end of year work gatherings; which is causing me additional dread this year as it's my 10 year anniversary and work often does a presentation for those who reach that milestone. I only have to get my name called out and stand out with a bunch of others for 5 minutes but it makes me anxious just thinking about it. I've have been close to cancelling the RSVP a few times, my wife is the only reason I don't.

Of course, the fact that this self-negativity is one of my major concerns in my life is such a privilege compared to what most of the world is going though. The reason I have been more focused on it recently is I see these negative mindset traits in my kids occasionally as they get older. Wanting to help them avoid what I've put myself through is a powerful motivator. Hopefully the journey of self-discovery I'm currently doing will help me teach them the tools needed to avoid or manage their own doubts in the future.

Honestly I don't know why I'm prompted to write let alone publish this today. Quite possibly the simple act of writing it down is purely cathartic.

One day, I hope I can be in a mindset to actually celebrate my own birthday. Until then, I'll take the joy it brings to my kids as enough for now.