Mental health
Younger me would be so excited about my life right now
A lot of my morning journaling is around working through issues/decisions. Getting a jumble of thoughts out of my head and onto a (digital) page to clear the air for the day ahead.
The other part of my journaling is to remember gratitude. I am extremely blessed in my life. While I do my best to recognise that daily, sometimes the thought is too fleeting and I need the focus and deep reflection to truly appreciate things.
One of those times came today. Reflecting on 2024 as the year draws to a close, and the challenges I’ve had throughout this year, I wrote the title of this post: Younger me would be so excited about my life right now.
To be clear, I had a great and loving childhood. However, I have struggled with mental health and self worth most of my adult life. That struggle has taken me to dark places in the past, where even driving at night would trigger the worst thoughts. Thankfully, I had enough of an ego to not pursue that thought path too far.
That me didn’t dare dream of a happy future. That me would laugh at the thought of someone falling in love with me, let alone having kids and being happy.
Yet, here I am in 2024 living that exact life. The thoughts still betray me at times, trying to convince me that I’m not worthy of this love and happiness. When they occur, I’m thankfully self aware enough to put those thoughts aside and accept that I am valuable to my loved ones without trying to understand why.
While I have a predisposition to a negative mindset; I believe many struggle with this in the modern world.
While we are more connected through technology, we are more exposed to the negativity in this world. Our minds are naturally more alert to danger. In a world where multiple organisations are fighting for our attention to make more money; both online and mainstream media are tuned to use those instincts against us for views and clicks.
While there are certainly a lot of people who struggle in various ways in the modern world, there’s also a group of people who may have simply lost perspective of just how good their own life is.
The cost of living is rising, but you may not need to consider if you will even afford a meal on any given day. Your work may not fulfil you on a purpose or happiness level, but it provides a steady source of income for your life. You have a mortgage that takes an increasing amount of that income, but you still make your repayments & you have a place that you are paying off to begin with.
I’m not saying always look on the bright side of life even when you feel like things are not going your way. We are naturally going to have challenging moments in our lives.
But when the world is so tuned to cater to our fear, sometimes you need that perspective as a reminder of the positives in your life. I know I do.
Heading back
As I come up to my final few days of my long service leave, I have to admit a mixture of nerves and apprehension about going back next week.
It’s not so much the thought of having to work after such a long break (although, I wouldn’t say no to a lotto win and extended holiday as much as the next person); but the concern that I will mentally end up back where I was before the break: tired with a lack of drive and direction.
The burnout fear was the reason I took leave in the first place. While I think things will be fine, at least initially, and I will get back into a groove; I still can’t help but feel a little afraid of the break not actually working to resolve my work concerns.
On the plus side I’m confident that I am doing a good job while I am there. Despite a few concerns heading into the break personally, the boss and the client didn’t seem to have any issues with the quality of the work prior to my leave. To the point where my boss was a little surprised when I advised on my leave due to burnout.
I’m also aware that having a good job where I am valued is something many would be envious of.
I’ve written previously about a lack of purpose in my work. I’m no longer sure I’m after a purpose from it, more a sense of personal value where I can actually come home contented about what I’ve done. To not have the constant feeling, despite the feedback I get, that I’m just making up the numbers.
Maybe I’m overthinking things. To paraphrase I book I’ve been reading called ‘There’s no such thing as an easy job’:
“The time has come to embrace the ups and downs again. I had no way of knowing what pitfalls might be lying in wait for me, but you never know what was going to happen, whatever you did.
You just give it your all, and hope for the best. Hope like anything it would turn out alright."