Andrew Melder

A little over 6 months ago, I became a father for the first time to my amazing baby boy James which has been an great experience. I also recently found out that a close friend of mine is also going to be a father for the first time early next year. I’m sure I’ll be having a talk with him and passing on some advice before then, so I started thinking about all the knowledge that I can pass onto not just him but any expected first time fathers out there.

During the pregnancy

Enjoy your time alone as a couple before the baby is born

Probably the most important advice I can give new parents is to enjoy each other’s company as much as possible before the baby arrives. Sure there will be times when you can leave your child with the grandparents or a babysitter while you both enjoy a night out, but it’s not the same as being able to do what you want, when you want to.

My wife Rachel and I used to go to the cinemas a lot, probably once every week or two. Now that little James is around it’s just not practical to do that anymore. In fact, we have only been to one movie since he was born. This is because a movie is a spur of the moment thing for us, but now we have to plan ahead to ensure James is taken care of.

Take advantage of late night cravings by developing your own

OK this is more an example of gluttony than advice. But if your going to head out in the early hours of the morning to get some soft serve you might as well get something for yourself :D

Do your best to keep your partner relaxed and at ease

In addition to making sure she is as physically comfortable as possible during the pregnancy, you must make sure your partner is coping mentally as well. Pregnancy is risky, and as such there may be scares and/or complications along the way.

There will probably be a mass of advice from doctors, nurses, family and friends. While they mean well,  the information can be overwhelming to her and make her feel anxious. Do what you can to make her relax about it all: let her know she's doing great and that you are there for her,  give her a massage etc.

If you do happen to encounter any complications, remember the following:

- There’s nothing you can do to change what will happen,  good or bad. Try not to overstress about a situation you can’t control.

- If the unfortunate where to happen and you do lose the baby, do not blame yourself or put yourself down because of it. I have known women who have gone through this pain, and it’s more common than you probably think. It is not a reflection of your abilities as a parent.

During the birth

Know your role and shut your mouth

Keeping communication during the pregnancy is important, but if you value your personal health you will keep your trap closed, unless asked, during the birth. She will be going through more pain than you can imagine and her emotions will be going crazy, consistently asking her if she needs anything or is she’s ok will likely result in a injury Bobbitt-esque in nature!

Shut your mouth also applies to food and drink. Her senses will be heightened, especially smell. In essence, don’t get her a reason to give you a castration right there.

Take any advice that the nurse/doctor may give you during birth

Staff working at birthing hospitals handle it everyday. If they give you any advice in regards to a position to hold your partner in or a place to put your hands to relieve her pain, then take note and try it.

Remember though, your partner will let you know if you’re helping or not. If she tells you to stop, then listen.

Don’t take anything your partner says during the birth personally

Even if you’re doing everything right and your partner still snaps at you, just remember she’s going through the equivalent of passing a whole watermelon. You would be pissed off too if you were in that much pain.

The first few months with the newborn

Invest in a breastfeeding pillow

Even if your partner doesn't intend to breastfeed, these pillows are designed to reduce arm fatigue and help keep the baby in the perfect feeding position. They are expensive, but worth every cent.

Buy an automated baby swing

Baby’s loved to be rocked to sleep, but if they are particularly restless you could be rocking them for a long time. A battery-powered baby swing is probably the best money I have spent that has made our lives easier. Most of them will be portable so you can take it with you when you visit people, and some will playback calming music to help the child sleep.

Get the child used to people and noise

This doesn’t mean drown the house out with music 24/7 but simply speak at your normal level and get them used to hanging around lots of people. Not having to tiptoe your way around your own house while they are sleeping helps you relax more when they’re down.

No matter how exhausted you are, she’s doing it tougher

Looking after a child is a mentally, and sometimes physically, exhausting job. You can’t relax cause you are constantly listening out for them or feeding, burping, changing them. And then you get them to sleep, but you’re always aware of them and listening out for them just in case they have woken up.

Unless you are a stay-at-home dad, work becomes a break from the responsibility. Mums never break from it.

REMEMBER YOUR WIFE!

Why did I put this one in caps? Well it is very easy for couples to put all their focus on the new baby, forget about the relationship and just assume you’re on the same page.

It doesn’t take a lot, just remind her that you love her. Sit down for dinner together instead of in front of the TV, talk about things. There’s no need for a big gesture, the little things make all the difference.

There’s probably more advice that I have forgotten at the moment. The only other thing to tell you at this point is to enjoy every moment. Some of my favourite times have been on weekend mornings, even when I was tired, waking up to feed James and letting Rachel have a sleep in. A little time to yourself with your child is always nice.

As I explained in my first post, I’ve decided to start a blog site using my real identity instead of an anonymous username. However this doesn't mean that I have abandoned those anonymous identities.  In fact, in many cases, using anonymous identities in conjunction with a separate email address can help you avoid some of the pitfalls of the online world.

While I truly believe using your real identity in social networks and blogs are more beneficial than using a pseudonym, there are many aspects of online life where hiding your real identity is not a bad thing.

Gaming

Gaming is all about escapism so why bring your real life into it in anyway. This is particularly true in Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) games where you can play as anything from a wizard to a team commander.  Why not have a bit of fun with your avatar or your gamertag!

Forums

Forums are viewed by many as mini social networks that are specific to a particular topic and/or passion. However people who partake in these forums can sometimes have strong, to the point of extremist, viewpoints and get very defensive and abusive if you point out a differing opinion.

While most of the time these hostile feelings will merely fizzle out within the forum, why risk using your real name in the rare case where you might encounter these people in your life. Maybe if you both work in the same industry and meet each other one day, why risk the unnecessary friction or potentially worse. Much like real life, it’s all about keeping away from the crazies :)

Spam

One of the major benefits of having a anonymous email address is to reduce the amount of spam you receive in your emails. Whenever I am asked to enter my email address online when signing up for anything, or filling in a form for a competition; I use my anonymous email address and keep my personal email address for communications for work and close friends only.

As a result my spam email is restricted to about 3-4 per week, all of which are easily filtered by a decent spam filtering service. Using an anonymous email address instead of a fake one still allows you to sign up to online services without risking your personal email address becoming a spam/mailing list nightmare.

Online dating

Ok, so I guess this point might mainly be of benefit to any members of the fairer sex that might read this post. However it is something that anyone deciding to participate in the online dating world should do. Never put your full name on any dating site unless you really would like a bunch of Facebook/Twitter/G+ stalkers trying to friend you. In the world of online dating, you can never be too careful.

So while there can be lots of benefits from using your real identity online there are areas where anonymity has it’s advantages. Of course using your real identity online doesn’t mean opening up all your information to the open web. You don’t need to add your address and phone number details in your social network and you should always be aware of what applications are tracking and/or publishing your location (particularly mobile apps).

The ability to control your information easily is what has inspired me to use Google+. Facebook has always had similar controls however they were always cumbersome and difficult to understand and manage. I was going to post a link to a article explaining some of the ways you can control who sees your account information on Facebook, however as I typed this post they announced a new set of privacy and sharing controls which may make some previous methods irrelevant.