Mental health
Woke up this morning feeling melancholy. Now, it’s the last morning of my little mini break so you might assume it’s because I’m coming to the end of a nice holiday and not wanting to go back to regular life; but that’s not it.
While I’ve certainly enjoyed it, had relaxing times as well as adventures with the family; I have the nagging feeling this morning that it’s all been wasted time. I somehow don’t feel rested, like I haven’t been on holiday at all.
For the parents out there, my kids are not the cause of it (this time). At 11 and 14 years, they are mostly independent and, apart from occasionally annoying their mother, have been fine.
One thing I’ve noticed on this trip is my wife asking me a few times if I’m alright? Clearly she’s been perceiving something before I’ve even noticed.
But now my nagging issue is what is it exactly that I am feeling? I’ve been through my battles with depression before, but those times were easy to notice with an overwhelming sadness that would envelop me. This is very much not that feeling.
In general I feel ok. I don’t love my work but it certainly isn’t a cause of stress. Family life is good, finances are stable.
The why I’m feeling whatever it is I’m feeling right now is the biggest frustration.
Younger me would be so excited about my life right now
A lot of my morning journaling is around working through issues/decisions. Getting a jumble of thoughts out of my head and onto a (digital) page to clear the air for the day ahead.
The other part of my journaling is to remember gratitude. I am extremely blessed in my life. While I do my best to recognise that daily, sometimes the thought is too fleeting and I need the focus and deep reflection to truly appreciate things.
One of those times came today. Reflecting on 2024 as the year draws to a close, and the challenges I’ve had throughout this year, I wrote the title of this post: Younger me would be so excited about my life right now.
To be clear, I had a great and loving childhood. However, I have struggled with mental health and self worth most of my adult life. That struggle has taken me to dark places in the past, where even driving at night would trigger the worst thoughts. Thankfully, I had enough of an ego to not pursue that thought path too far.
That me didn’t dare dream of a happy future. That me would laugh at the thought of someone falling in love with me, let alone having kids and being happy.
Yet, here I am in 2024 living that exact life. The thoughts still betray me at times, trying to convince me that I’m not worthy of this love and happiness. When they occur, I’m thankfully self aware enough to put those thoughts aside and accept that I am valuable to my loved ones without trying to understand why.
While I have a predisposition to a negative mindset; I believe many struggle with this in the modern world.
While we are more connected through technology, we are more exposed to the negativity in this world. Our minds are naturally more alert to danger. In a world where multiple organisations are fighting for our attention to make more money; both online and mainstream media are tuned to use those instincts against us for views and clicks.
While there are certainly a lot of people who struggle in various ways in the modern world, there’s also a group of people who may have simply lost perspective of just how good their own life is.
The cost of living is rising, but you may not need to consider if you will even afford a meal on any given day. Your work may not fulfil you on a purpose or happiness level, but it provides a steady source of income for your life. You have a mortgage that takes an increasing amount of that income, but you still make your repayments & you have a place that you are paying off to begin with.
I’m not saying always look on the bright side of life even when you feel like things are not going your way. We are naturally going to have challenging moments in our lives.
But when the world is so tuned to cater to our fear, sometimes you need that perspective as a reminder of the positives in your life. I know I do.